A SENSE OF CONTROL

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven. Well it did for me.

They tore off my wings and left me bleeding.

fragile fallen feminine FEARFUL faggot.

(Describe how your life was beautiful, filled with light and love)(use really beautiful angelic language)( Give examples of friends supporting you and people loving you)

Slowly incorporate negative (bad darker language) words and examples into text. it first started with the word CAMP and how that was the first example of people calling me out for being different, being feminine, being gay. And how people and teachers compare me to other gay kids in the school every single day, saying we are so similar and all the same.

Use metaphors for faggot to express the feeling of control ( use very dark and hurtful language to show that the mood has developed and changed) and how it relates to a pile of sticks, and cigarettes. “roll me up and burn me at both ends” “throw me in with sticks and twigs, im so worthless i don’t deserve a stake, I belong on the dirty floor, the blood in my fanes will boil and steam. There eyes all laugh at my burning black charred skin” (spit of our bodys) laugh.

Describe how i have been called Faggot throughout my entire life. When i’m walking on the side of the road, or walking through the school halls. Or receiving messages on instagram saying that “i’m going to come over with all my friends and kill you”. This is every day. “I’m scared to open my phone, Im worried someone will stab me through the screen”. When i get invited to parties i fear for my life, What if someone hears how high my voice is or notices how i walk and then decides to beat me until im dead on the cold bathroom. These are the thoughts that go through my head when i get invited to gathering like this. I have dreams about being beaten, stabbed, choked, spat on, cut. (then later on say that my dreams have come true… Later on that “My dreams finally came true, Im lying on the floor being beaten and called a faggot. Are these the last words im going to hear? fag, queer, worthless

Then describe the scenario of being beaten up. Start the paragraph with using positive descriptive language to describe the situation of walking home after hanging out with your friends in town. Walking home, the air has a sharp and uncomfortable feeling to it. Describe to the reader how you when you receive a call from your mum asking if you wanted a lift home, but you say “no its fine” and keep walking. keep describing the uncomfortable feeling that is getting thicker and heavier the more steps you take. then slowly start incorporating little things that are not normal like “whispers” and “the bottom of straight tradie boots on the concrete floor.

Once they throw me to the ground describe in REALLY detailed examples of how your body hits the floor and how “the concrete grates your skin the room temperature cheese”. then start incorporating the metaphors and examples of your wings being ripped off and toren from your back leaving you bleeding. “Im i an angel without my wings” describe.

Intro.

Introduce yourself in past tense ( Oscar was my name ) Describe oscars life, what things did oscar before he way beaten to death?

Describe Oscars life, how he grew up in a small town off the west coast of the south island. Describe specific things about your town… Sounds, People, Water, Rust, Air…

now describe where your body is… behind the bins, at the back of one of towns cafes. next to the bins, and the pig buckets.