26th June 2018

NO NO NO, it’s too soon. Come back you have left me too soon, how could you, how could you leave me, leave me here all alone, you are my better half, well, you were? You blew out your own candle and now-now I’m inhaling your smoke, I can’t breathe, choke yourself you’re choking me, let go, let go. What is happening, everything around me is becoming broken, including myself, I feel like I have been programmed into a game, and now I’m glitching. Is God my game designer, has he purposely made a defect in my programming, after all the sins I have made, is this my punishment, losing my mind, not being able to tell what is real and what is fake? Am I the only one who thinks this. Hello, hello are you there… my love, I can hear you… what was that… did you see that?

I am losing my mind, every breath I take all I tastes like poison, can you imagine that… every mouth full of water I swallow feels like mug slowly descending down my throat. I can’t take it anymore… I can’t. I’m tired, I’m tired of pretending I’m ok, you know sometimes, sometimes I’m just lying in bed and I hear people screaming and screaming and screaming. It’s so loud, my ears are always ringing. Leave me alone.

Shh, Do you hear that? Is it silence? For that brief moment, I thought I was released, released from all the anger and sadness the was trapped within me, but it only lasts a second, I can hear them all rushing back in, the voices the screams and sadness the anger it’s all back, it hurt, it’s too painful,

I’m done, I’m over it, I give up, I will see you soon my love, whether it’s  Tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow. Whether it’s in hell or heaven, I will find you again.

Pause, imagine lady Macbeth is standing in front of you, stroke her hair, talk to her in shock

My love, I can see you, you look so beautiful, you look so happy, we are together once again, I will never leave, I will never leave you.

Where are u going? Sad Don’t leave, don’t leave me again, I need you, I, I, I love you

My love, where have you gone, you were just here a second ago, how could you leave me again. When you leave I am like a flame without oxygen I suffocate without you close, all I am now is left over ash waiting to be blown away, scattered by the next gust of wind.

And do you know who that gust of wind is, it’s you look up you left me and now I’m just that ash lying in the corner of the room just sitting there waiting for someone to sweep me up and throw me outside where I will be thrown around even more,

You’re like a disease, the doctors say you’re gone, but really you will always be apart of me, even tho you’re dead, I can still feel you, I can still sense you, it’s like your standing behind me look behind you.

You say I’m always acting scared, acting like the sky is going to fall, but every time I look down all I can see are pieces,

people say that killing your self is selfish, but if you had any idea what was going on up in here point to your head you would already be dead, this is my breaking point, this is where i blow out my own candle, i understand now, i understand why you would do such a thing, my love, i will see you soon.




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